I am a heterosexual cisgendered female, which probably explains why I am constantly disappointed, but regardless, I am a woman who is attracted to men. That being said, I think that most of us can all agree that one of the most beautiful things on this earth is curve of a woman’s back when she arches backward. It’s sexy, it’s perfection, it is a stunning example of the human body being excellent.
And the only thing better than the incredible beauty of the arch of a woman’s back, is how creepy that back can look when it is arched forward in the opposite direction. Picture a full Martha Graham Modern dance contraction, a forward bend where the stomach, no matter how skinny it is, inevitably starts to roll over itself, and the spine starts to stick out like some prehistoric creature. This beautiful shape suddenly becomes this creepy, distorted thing not far off from the creature you’d picture crawling out of your television in the middle of the night.
This position, which is truly the thing of nightmares, is exactly what a woman looks like in order to insert a tampon. And we still wonder why men ask if we accidentally orgasm while putting a tampon in? Spoiler alert: we don’t. I’ll tell you why, and there are a few reasons – usually the lighting is a bit off, an elderly cat is scratching at the bathroom door which throws off your groove, too distracted by the fact that we have to pay taxes on feminine products, and OH YEAH also I typically look like a decrepit bridge troll while doing it. It’s not particularly beautiful, definitely not sexual. Sometimes it is a bit humorous, like when you pull your hand up and there’s blood on it, and suddenly the CSI theme song starts playing in your head like it’s time to investigate a crime scene. But other than that, there’s not much pleasure in this act. I personally don’t know why men assume that using a tampon is some sort of inexplicably sensual moment, as if we just arch backwards and Aphrodite herself reaches down from the heavens in a beam of light and hands us an overpriced piece of cotton shaped like a hot dog, but perhaps I can explain it with math.
Obviously I can’t speak for all women, but let’s say for the sake of this argument that this concept applies to most women. Picture a venn diagram, if you may, one side representing things that involve genitals, and the other representing things that turn women on. The part of the diagram in which these two circles overlap contains only one thing: sex. See, it is starting to make sense. The circle of things involving genitalia are all things that, surprisingly, do not also turn women on, like the aforementioned tampons, gynecology appointments, going to the beach and getting sand in your bathing suit, shopping for underwear etc. All of these things involve genitalia; none of which, turn women on. The other side, you might inquire, (the side of things that turn women on which don’t involve genitals) contains things like credit reports, grown men having a bed frame, matching socks, using the correct form of the word “your”, knowing that “Black & Blue” is the superior Backstreet Boys album, properly fitting clothes etc. I know it’s sad how low these standards are, but we live in a pretty sad world sometimes.
Now I don’t know a lot about men, but based on my experience with the male gender, I am under the impression that their venn diagram is probably closer to just one big fucking circle.
Also, friends, this is all just poking some fun at gender stereotypes, so please take it lightly. Women are great. Men are great. Sex is weird.
“I know it’s sad how low these standards are, but we live in a pretty sad world sometimes.”